Becoming a new mom is really (I think) one of the hardest transitions throughout your life as a woman. First just the getting pregnant part can be difficult for many, not everyone gets pregnant the first time, some have to try hundreds of times before they even get pregnant, some have a miscarriage once or twice or even more, some can’t get pregnant at all. It is a tough time for so many.
My journey to motherhood was a broken and blessed road. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks before my wedding which was a shock, we were not trying, nor did we have plans to begin our marriage with a new baby. Although we didn’t plan it, we were happy and ready to become mommy and daddy, after all, we were almost 30 anyway.
Before I was a mom, I was so naive about how pregnancy was. Oh, it will just be wonderful! I will be growing life inside of me and I will be glowing and beautiful and yada.. yada.. yada.. Oh, and the wedding day is so over glamorized too. It’s supposed to be the best day of your life right?! A day filled with love and romance and YADA. YADA. YADA. Nope.
In my experience, these two epic life events just collided and fought for the limelight. My pregnancy won. Yep! I was super sick when I said I do. It was rough, my dress felt like 900 pounds and I just felt terrible. I honestly just wanted to get through the day and go to bed. And that was so not me. I was always the life of the party… this was my moment and BLEK! It was not fun!
A few days later we flew to Jamaica for our honeymoon that was planned before we knew we were going to be parents. Still, I was nauseous, exhausted and already beginning to show by this time. (Yep really) The week we were in sunny beautiful Negril flew by and I felt my husband grow further and further from me. He wanted to stay up and have fun and do adventurous stuff like we’d always done, but I couldn’t do any of it. My body was no longer my own, I couldn’t control it. It felt sick and tired.
There was this gloom that had slowly settled itself over my life within the last 3 weeks that I just couldn’t shake. This was supposed to be a happy time, wasn’t it? I’m not supposed to feel this horrible, am I? What is wrong with me and what is wrong with my body? My marriage felt like it was already failing. Thankfully I always had God to lean on through it all though.
The Honeymoon’s Over and Tragedy Strikes
Well, we came back from the honeymoon and settled into life, started making plans of our new baby and our new life together, things felt like they were getting back to normal and we were easing into our new life as excited parents to be. This was short lived though. I started to bleed when I was about 13 weeks along, just one week before Mother’s Day. By this time my baby was about the size of my hand. We rushed to the emergency room and were admitted right away.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; -Psalm 34:18-19
The doc ran tests and then came in with the life-shattering results. My husband had left the room for a moment so I received it all alone. Our baby had no heartbeat. The doctor was very cold and crass he simply said the baby was dead, go home and we will schedule you for surgery tomorrow to scrape the remains of the fetus from your body.
My husband came back in the room and I had to tell him, I could barely get the words out it was like my voice was caught in the inner depths of my womb trying to awaken our baby. I somehow managed to get the words to the surface and as I heard them come out of my mouth grief hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Matthew 11:28-29
I was then sent home with my lifeless child in my womb which was once a place of life and now it was nothing more than a tomb for my spiritless baby who had gone to be with the Lord at some unknown time for some unknown reason. Shouldn’t I know these things?
Why didn’t I know?
How could this have happened?
What did I do wrong?
That was the longest night of my life.
I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and read the Bible, prayed, watched Christian channels just looking for a sign from God of why and what am I going to do now. As I watched I felt God speak to my heart that all was well and that my baby was with Him and I would see them one day. His peace rested on me that night so strong it was amazing. He truly is closer to you in times of mourning if you seek Him.
The next day came and my appointment was in the afternoon. I began to bleed more and heard and felt a pop and a release, a small gush of what felt like pee trickled down my leg. Oh no, my water broke and I was in labor.
Could this be labor?
Only I was getting ready to birth a baby who wasn’t breathing a baby who wouldn’t cry and nurse and cuddle. This was not a happy time. We called the hospital and they said to get there quickly. I hurried and changed and grabbed a towel for the car, contractions were flooding in and out so fast it was all a blur.
I just remember pain, agony and sorrow washing over me again and again. But through it all God’s peace was stronger, I knew that my baby was no longer within me it was just the body and this too shall pass.
I did end up birthing my baby before the surgery, in the hospital bathroom toilet. It truly was a horrific experience that I would never want anyone else to go through.
Then I had to go under anesthesia for the first time and have surgery (DNC) to scrape any remains of my baby from my body. I came to after the surgery with nothing left of my baby. Nothing to show that I was once pregnant but a grainy ultrasound image.
I went through so many emotions throughout this horrible time, but God lifted me up through it all. I was so broken, yet at peace at the same time. Mother’s Day (the next week) was very difficult along with the weeks and months to come.
I grieved… alone and put on a brave face.
There are many stages of grief after a miscarriage… I felt alone, hurt, lost, mad, sad, blamed myself, blamed my spouse. I went through it all. All of a sudden everyone you know is getting pregnant and everyone you see has a baby. You don’t want to have hate or torment in your heart towards them, but you do. It just seems that you will never ever fill that void in your heart.
But you will.
Time doesn’t take the loss away, but you are able to cope with it. My baby is and always will be in my heart and I cannot wait to meet them someday.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. -2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Until this point in my life, I never realized how very common miscarriage is. That many many women experience this in their life. Just know that this is not the will of God for you. So If you or someone you know is going through this just cling to God or pray for them. Prayer is what brought me through the hard days. His peace and healing power lifted me out of my grief and renewed my life. If you are pregnant or planning on being pregnant, pray scriptures over your baby daily for protection. (See the bottom of this post for those)
Our child would have turned 11 last October 2015. We actually named him/her Casey. I read somewhere that it was important to name your heavenly child. It really did give me peace to do so. The hurt is always there, I still cry sometimes thinking about my child I never got to hold, and kiss and share a life with, but I know they are with Jesus and there is nothing that can make me happier than to know that.
My husband and I tried for about 2 years off and on after this to get pregnant again. Each month with a negative test time and time again. This was a very stressful period in our life. It was so easy the first time and then nothing. We tried and tried and then finally one day we were pregnant again. Fear tried to penetrate and worry tried to suffocate us. Praying and hoping that this time would be different and praise God it was.
What Might Have Been
As you may already know I have been blessed with a trio of beautiful and healthy girls since then… Jada, Jasmine, and Jordan. They are 9, 8 and 5. They are truly a gift, each different and each amazing. I’ve since told my girls about their older sibling in heaven. We sit and talk about what we think they are doing today. Are they walking with Jesus right now? Are they helping God prepare our eternal home for us? We laugh and cry and talk about what might have been. Although my husband and I had a tough beginning and a few other bumps along the way we are living a truly blessed life.
Scriptures to pray if you are pregnant or will be in the future
There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives. -Exodus 23:26
In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. -Matthew 18:14
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. -Jeremiah 29:11
For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me. When as yet there were none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7
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Forest Rose is a God Loving, Blessed Wife, & Relaxed, Eclectic Homeschooling Mama to 3 girls – 10, 13, & 14 in Fort Wayne, Indiana. She’s passionate about lifting moms out of the homeschooling trenches that are discouraged, overwhelmed or feeling alone or isolated. Her hope is to point them to Christ and equip them to rise up with a new found hope and joy within, that He alone can provide. Besides blogging, she also loves hanging out at her exclusive Facebook Group “Homeschooling 101 Community” that she started to help new homeschoolers thrive.